I’ve decided to write up a bit of a structured list of information and tips for dating someone who is blind. These are my own ideas and mostly center around my own experiences, but can be useful and tweaked depending on the personal tastes of interaction with other partners.
Tech Questions
How am I writing this when I can’t see my screen? How am I texting you or drafting fun ads on the various groups around this site or the web in general?
Screen Readers
I use what is called a screen reader, an accessible technology built into my iPhone and in MacOS for desktops/laptops. A synthetic voice will read interactive elements and anything text-based on the screen to me and provides a cursor that I can move around to quickly find and interact with those elements. I generally have the voice feedback set to talk extremely fast as it would take forever to digest web and text content if it was read back at a slow or normal talking pace. The more a blind person gets used to the voice feedback speed, the faster they can parse very quick speech, so while it sounds like a motormouth auction dealer or Boomhauer at first, I am actually able to hear and understand every word and nuance. As with everything, practice and experience makes it easier to get faster and more efficient using the screen reader systems.
On my iPhone, I interact with apps via a series of finger swipes and gestures. Remember that cursor I mentioned? A right single-finger swipe will advance the cursor down the page or to the next available element and a left swipe will go back up the page or otherwise in the opposite direction. Vertical swipes control the content that I want to look for in a page or app. Apple built this really neat feature called the Rotor into VoiceOver, their screen reader technology, where you adjust what kind of content you want to interact with using a twisting gesture on the screen with two fingers. I can quickly switch to find Headings, Links, Text Fields/Form Controls, Words, Characters, Regions, etc. and then use vertical swipes to jump straight to that selected content type.
Typing
Typing on the on-screen keyboard without vision is a slow and arduous process, so for the most part I generally dictate my messages or use braille screen input. This can be a little surprising when folks see me use braille screen input for the first time, but is super fast and effective, especially when I’m not in a situation where dictation is feasible. Sexting via dictated messages does not go well when amongst family or in public. If you see me turn my phone into Landscape mode, flip it around so the screen is facing away from me, then start tapping it with six fingers in rapid succession, don’t panic! This is just me typing in braille, with each of my fingers representing a braille dot in the braille cell.
Accessibility Considerations
Most apps and sites are built without these kinds of accessibility considerations. Developers don’t label buttons, links, or controls. They use images everywhere and either don’t add alt text or a brief description of the image, rather making the screen reader read out the graphic filename or something equally annoying. You know all those pictures you post on Facebook or any other site?? Imagine a voice reading this: “000fg0467s78aaa647fr)467eeu.jpg.” That’s exactly what I hear whenever my VoiceOver cursor lands on an image on this site. The only thing I have to go on is the caption that people leave for me to have any context at all about anything in the picture. Or I just hand my phone/laptop over to my primary partner and have her describe people for me. Thankfully, more developers are getting the hint and are finally spending some time and money on making apps and sites accessible for everyone and not just the sighted, and I am working my way up to becoming an accessibility engineer so I can fix these issues myself and teach others how not to commit them in the first place.
So all in all, I have a naturally speaking though synthetic voice reading all the text I come across back to me, whether it is a text from someone or just perusing an app or site; I type messages using braille input, dictation, or slowly messing about with the on-screen keyboard; no special accommodations need to be made in the way you write or send me content, just type like you would speak or as if you were writing a dialogue script as that is exactly how I’m going to hear it. I can use most of the apps and services you are used to, just in different ways.
Meeting up for a Date
How will we meet up if you can’t see me? How do you get around? Are you going to trip me with that long cane of yours?
Ah, dating. As I will have no idea what you look like and therefore will not be able to pick you out in a crowd or indeed at all, the onus will be on you to find me when we meet up. Let’s play with a coffee/food meetup scenario. Role-playing can be fun!
Transportation
Provided that I have the address to wherever we are meeting up, I can make it to you. I generally use Lyft to get around the City and have no trouble with Muni or BART. Meeting up within a Muni/BART station is definitely ideal as long as we set a specific meeting point. I can get to the Westfield Mall in downtown San Francisco with no problems at all and usually use the entrance to the food court near the Cako kiosk as a good rally point. I do prefer the safety and convenience of door-to-door transport, so most of the time I will pull up in a car with a silly pink mustache sticker. I can manage my way around using navigation and GPS apps built for the blind as well, such as heading out to the East Bay or getting to a location near a station.
**2020 Update:
I’ve moved to Oakland and all of this still applies, though I don’t know this area at all compared to how well I knew San Francisco. Will still take Lyft, but will also be learning how to get around through the various BART stations and AC Transit buses after SIP is cleared!
Finding Each Other
When we meet up, I’ll be the fun, tall bumbling blind guy with a beard and a long white cane. Say hi and introduce yourself with your name. Your voice is my way of recognizing you and naturally is my first point of actual contact. Carrying on from here will be a breeze.
Human Guide
Navigating around is a fun process that builds immediate trust in a date. I always instruct someone new on how to provide human guide for us to get around faster, but here are the general tips:
- I will hold on to your right elbow. This gives me the most feedback about elevation changes, such as curbs, stairs, etc., plus you can tell me a lot more quickly using your arm than you holding me or my hand on your shoulder.
- Paths can get narrow, and you have to consider another human width off to your right when moving through spaces. If our path gets narrow, moving your arm behind your back instantly tells me to fall in behind you so we can move through an obstacle in single-file. I will slide my hand from your elbow down to your wrist in a fluid motion so I can get behind you more easily and not step on you at the same time. No worries, I’m not getting fresh, unless you want me to do so!
- While walking around normally, if we have to stop suddenly, just swing your forearm up and back, gently, into my stomach. I will immediately stop moving forwards. I’m tall, so if we have a decent height difference, just be sure not to swing your arm too low. 😀 (I learned this from personal experience with my primary. In fact, she likes to drag me around by my crotch when she’s not paying attention to what she’s grabbing.)
- Move at a normal walking pace. I will hold my cane in my other hand in a position like holding a pencil, and will sweep it in a shallow arc in front of me to catch any obstacles while we move. You don’t have to slow down on my account, I can keep up and will communicate if something happens.
- Don’t swing your body around suddenly as I will have to make a quick decision as to whether or not you want me to follow your elbow, basically flinging myself around your spin or to just let go so you are free to move about before I find your elbow again. I will generally do the latter for safety reasons.
- Coming up to a seat or bench, use your right hand to reach out and touch the back of the chair. I will slide my hand down your arm and find the chair, then I can immediately orient to the position of the chair and table. Tapping on the table also tells me where it is if the chair is not oriented directly towards it.
- Beware of low branches or head-high obstacles. Again, I’m tall and am quite picky about what kinds of things I want my face to meet suddenly while moving about.
- I apologize in advance for any accidental groping that may occur. When putting my hand out to find your elbow, it has the unfortunate (or fortunate depending on chemistry) feature of generally being at the same level as breasts, so if you are turned towards me, I may grab something other than your elbow by mistake. The same goes for reaching while you are standing next to me or adjusting your position. As I move to adjust with your positioning, I may suddenly find your back or behind and quickly orient from there. It happens all across the community, and can be a funny icebreaker if in the right consensual mood. **2023 update: when I originally wrote this, I was much less coordinated than I am now, so I assure you that I am much better at ascertaining boddy orientation and positioning now when out with someone else.
Enjoying Each Others’ Company
So we’ve managed to meet up and get acquainted in person, we’ve successfully made it to a tasty spot without me getting clotheslined by a low branch, all is going well so far!
Menus
Most places will not have a braille menu, and unfortunately I am also a little slow at reading braille, but have been getting much faster with experience. Generally, I will research the menu of our chosen spot beforehand as it is easier to do so with text on a website and my screen reader, however I will return to my point about accessibility never being at the forefront of design decisions. Some restaurants think it is fine to just post an image of their menu on their site. No alt text, no description, no simple text added, just an image. As you might have guessed, all this sounds like to me is “menu.png.” I don’t know about you, but that doesn’t sound very appetizing.
If this is the case, we will have to go through the menu together. I’m apologetic about it because it can be a chore, but will quickly communicate what I’m in the mood for and do everything I can to make the process as easy as I can for you.
Table Manners
I tend to touch things more than most, generally to affirm and memorize the locations of objects around me. Quickly touching the plate, napkin, glasses, utensils, perhaps reaching out intuitively and hunting for condiments, all of these gestures will take place very rapidly and without fuss. Organization is a fundamental tenet of independent living skills while blind, and makes for much less flailing and asking for assistance. Then we can start a little game my partner and I came up with. We like to see how long it takes for the server to notice that I am blind. I tend to hope that the server for our section has seen us come into the restaurant and noticed the cane, but more often than not this isn’t the case. I feel like I may come off as rude as I won’t always thank them for refilling a cup or removing plates; the restaurant can be loud and I may not be able to hear or feel the movement so this action is not at all intentional. Awkward silences can ensue if the server just turns to me expectantly after taking your order but doesn’t say anything. These and more little quirks may go on throughout the meal, but the fun part of the game is the look of recognition and understanding that passes over the face of the server once I stand up and deploy my cane.
Noisy Environments
As for loud and noisy environments, I apologize in advance if I lose track of our conversation or have to ask for something to be repeated. Since losing my vision, I have gotten much more attuned to my hearing, but in turn this means that it makes parsing one voice out of many difficult. When you can see, your brain does this parsing for you, allowing you to focus on one voice. I’m an inadvertent and constant eavesdropper as I have no other choice in that situation. I will generally have my head turned towards the direction of your voice so that I can engage with eye contact and expression, but may turn my head to expose my ears more if I am having trouble hearing something. I do my best to retain my sighted mannerisms to make things easier for both of us. Sometimes I may catch myself drifting a bit, listening attentively but having my head tilted forward and looking down or askance. I swear I’m not looking at your breasts!
Paying the Bill
Be up front and tell me the total of the bill. If I have to sign, creasing the bill on the signature line gives me a tactile reference on which I can sign. I’ll be up front with the tip and will need some help filling in that part. Everything else about this interaction is easy and straightforward, just let me know when they’ve taken and returned our cards.
Quirks
Some other quirks I mentioned in my previous article include the way I eat, which may be of interest. I generally feel my food to figure out where it is on my plate. I tend to use my left hand for this, plus also use it as a stopping point to aid in getting food pushed up onto a fork or spoon so I don’t just shove everything off onto the table. I have no qualms about eating with my hands as it is just sometimes necessary and more efficient. I try to keep Purell on me at all times to stay clean with all of the touch input I need to get around the world.
Non-verbal Communication and Wrap Up
Being open with feelings helps quite a bit as I have no way of reading silent expressions, though I can generally get a sense from voice cues. Consent, verbal directions, intentions, all have to usually be outspoken. Let’s see how many times you catch yourself nodding in agreement or affirming or declining in a non-verbal and purely visual way!
It may be challenging, it’s new and intriguing, and it may generate some great stories to tell, but that’s a day out with me in a nutshell!