Dating While Blind

I wasn’t always blind. The story of how I lost my vision is long, convoluted, and unfortunate, but I will save that as a discussion I’ll have in person with a date if they are interested. In a nutshell, I lost it quite suddenly after a long battle with vision problems and complications from eye surgery, and it ultimately forced me to completely change the way I approached dating. Full fundamental changes, from new laws of attraction to general logistics involving safety and self-presentation and disclosure.Dating with vision had its own issues. Physical attraction played the central role in online dating; you asked out the person you found the most appealing to your own tastes. I didn’t quite have a type, and dated a variety of women for various elements that attracted me, either physically or something within our shared interests that made it easy to build up engaging conversations upon meeting. Still, I will freely admit that eyes, hands, breasts, legs, and a nice behind were traits that drew my eye while perusing the scores of pictures and matches popping up on the various sites I used, OkCupid being the primary matchmaking tool of our generation. The pictures drove the clicks into the profiles and that is what mattered.This all changed with the vision loss. I no longer have the physical traits to guide my interest in a profile. All I have to go on is the username, match percentage, and the content of the actual profile. The overall process became much slower, as now every profile was a potential match. I began remembering the way my screen reader read out the usernames and was able to tie all of the information presented in those profiles to them, the robotic reading voice butchering the oddly spelled letter collections of individual identities. The usernames became my pictures.I was still able to craft the best messages I could, picking out common interests, asking questions and opening up conversation topics, yet I was still hesitant at the disclosure of my blindness. I had no idea how any of my potential matches would react. Would I be an awkward burden? Would I be somewhat intriguing or novel? The decision for disclosure came as I grew into my blindness and began to accept it as my new way of life and no longer just a hopefully temporary situation. I threw myself into my independent living skills, learning how to travel by myself with my white cane, use accessibility technology to interact with apps and websites, learned braille, did all I could to show that it wasn’t as big a deal as I was initially making it out to be for myself. I hoped that the confidence I was gaining back in myself would trickle into my outward presentation and ease the process of meeting up with new matches. The hill between total loss and it not being a big deal was tremendously high, and some days it still feels like I am climbing it, but the days where I feel that I’ve hit the summit and have made it safely down to the other side have become much more frequent.While I do not have pictures to look at, I stick by my sighted-dating tenets in which I try to get offline for an in-person meetup as soon as possible. I began to learn about new kinds of dealbreakers. Smell is a major factor in a partner now, as I am much more attuned to my other senses. Voice has become another major factor as well, as hearing it is basically my first glance at a date. Physically, I’m not picky at all and have always been body-positive, but voice, smell, and touch became my respective ways of exploring the dating world.Meeting up for the first time is always a bit of fun, as I get to give a quick lesson on how to guide me around a space, generally having me hold you by the right elbow. I feel that this little bit of interaction goes a long way to break the ice of the disability. As I was not born blind, I still retain a lot of my pre-blindness mannerisms. I will attempt to look towards your eyes based on where I am hearing your voice. I may turn my head every now and then for optimal ear exposure, but will generally try to look at you as if in sighted conversation. I may not be able to use my eyes for their original purpose, but am still aware of how much expression comes from them, helping melt down one more barrier.There may be slight mishaps. I may eat in a bit of an unorthodox manner, generally using my left hand to feel quickly around my plate or to aid in getting problematic food onto a utensil. I’ve gotten a lot better at organizing my space at a restaurant so I’m less prone to knocking glasses and plates over when the inevitable Italian expressive hand-flailing begins during animated conversation. There may be accidental groping, which may or may not be welcomed depending on the nature of the date. The first date that my primary partner and I went on, which may be a story to write later, had me accidentally elbow her in the boob as we oriented within my front hallway to get out the door. I thought it was her shoulder, and, though she was initially surprised, realized that it wasn’t intentional and let it slide. I’m happy she did, as we are still together after 3 years whereas someone less accepting and understanding might have just noped right out of the date before it even began.I’ve had an unfortunate bad date where all three of the aforementioned traits were broken, and, as I was eventually in a position where transportation out of the area was solely possible on them driving me away from their house, I got stuck into a very awkward dilemma. They did not communicate clearly and mumbled, therefore they did not have the most attractive of voices. Upon heading to her home after eating, I quickly came to realize that my olfactory senses were kicking in. She did not have the best of smells. Whether it was an odd soap or hair product, or just the general smell of the household, my attraction took a severe hit. Touch was fine, but I quickly realized I had entered into this situation without an easy way out to not hurt her feelings nor make the situation ridiculously awkward. Stuck in this position, not knowing how it would go if I refused or how I would be able to get home if she kicked me out after being angered, I kept moving forward with the date.Thankfully, I got home safely but only after being in an extremely awkward and unerving experience of not knowing how to end the date or how to speak up for myself. I have since learned quite a lot about consent and communication skills and dating has ben leaps and bounds better ever since!I was dating like a sighted person, completely forgetting that I had no out and no easy contingencies if anything went wrong. I’ve adapted now, I have my contingencies and technology available to get me out of a bad situation, plus much more confidence and wherewithal to fully communicate my feelings and make better decision when out on a date. Not to mention a good checking-in style with my primary partner. All of this has come with growing into my blindness, understanding my limitations and learning how to do old things in new ways, how to explore and evolve in situations previously taken for granted.Thankfully I’ve met Amy, a wonderful and amazing primary partner who puts up with all of my blind shenanigans. She looked past the blindness and saw me for who I was.I was dealing with a major loss but was doing everything I could to move forward back into life. I honestly don’t know where i would be today without her love and support.Dating while blind is no longer a frightening endeavor, but an exhilarating adventure worth exploring! I’m doing my best to make blindness just another quirk and not a complete dealbreaker, so try me out and you may be pleasantly surprised.Marco Salsiccia